Dec 30th, 2010

and I can't believe it. Another year gone by and my 2nd New Years in Denver! What the heck? Where has time gone. Before going any further I need to give a birthday shout out to my dear friend Chrissy! Hope your birthday is wonderful!

It is so funny looking back, but more exciting looking forward. This has definitely been a year of transition.....the second one maybe although now that I am in the place I am now, I would say 2009 was a year of growth, pain, and realization and 2010 was the year I started putting action behind a lot of the things I want out of life. I truly feel blessed. Not only do I have the most incredible support system through my family & friends, but I believe I am in the job and at the point in my career where things are about to take off in a way I haven't quite experienced before. I couldn't be more ready & excited. I have verbals on deals which should close the first week of January (about time!!) and then it's about closing out our year which ends 1-31 pushing as many of those through that I can. I am sometimes amazed at all the brands I get to interact with since my territory is so large. It's pretty cool.

So they say that bad things happen in 3's and good things happen all at once too? Well if they don't say it, I believe it to be true regardless. I am so happy in my life right now. I am happy that my personal life is developing too. I am not going to talk much about this here, at least not yet because I am protective and afraid. I know I will get past it. For now I will tell you his name is Bryan, we met the beginning of November, and he makes me happy.......very happy.....and that's something we all deserve, isn't it? We are spending the whole weekend together cooking a ton together and I am so excited about that. Cooking is so much more fun when it is for more than one.

At the beginning of 2010 this was a source for me to express myself and I was so much better about regular updates. I am going to try and get back on that wagon in 2011. I miss this place.

As the New Year is upon us I wish all of you the happiest & safest New Year. Cheers to all of us for a fabulous 2011!

5 airports...

In 2 days..... Better all be worth it

Life is crazy

and there's nothing else to it. I have thoughts all the time that are meant for this space, BUT for some reason they don't make it here.....maybe I would sleep better if they did! SO, in no particular order, I have some random thoughts to get off my chest....

1) Turkey Day was so great at home. I got really good quality time with my family. My mom and I had my Dad and Grandpa cracking up over our baking antics, it was a lot of fun. I got good time with my sister too, quiet moments to actually catch up and a workout class that left me sore for days :).

2) I travel the next three weeks for work. I feel tired all the time and I just know that the time between now and 12-31-10 will be so crazy at work. I have so many deals that are so close and final steps which will take place between now and Christmas. I just need to take it one day at a time. I am so excited and I have been working so darn hard. I can't wait for it all to be worth it.......and I believe it will :).

3) I think that if someone says something to hurt your feelings, you should tell them, it's just silly not too. I don't get it, well maybe I do because I used to be that way, but I would like to think I have changed. People should be able to realize there are times that words come from the heart and that they are not mean to be offensive. Ah, if life were just a tad simpler.

4) I have weekend fun the next two weekends. Chrissy is here this weekend, I can't believe it! I haven't made a ton of plans as we will play by ear and see what inspires us but dinner/movie Friday and we are going to the light parade Downtown Denver Saturday....that should be fun, I missed it last year. Next weekend Emma comes and we have the Dave & Tim concert here Thursday night.....we have floor seats and the arena only holds 6500 people....should be amazing!

5) I am really excited for Christmas time at home. I think I will actually get to see everyone who means so much to me, some I haven't seen since I left, and it is condensed in 4 events which is great too!

6) I am on the ball with the holidays this year, I don't know how, but all packages went out today. Maybe just a couple tony things left and I am done, which is an awesome feeling.

7) I constantly dream of the beach vacation I will plan once I close some deals. THAT couldn't come fast enough.

8) I have boxing tonight and I am thinking of every reason not to go, but I am signed up so no choice. It's just an hour. I can do that. Then home and pack for my trip to Greenville, SC tomorrow and Thursday and make sure the house is ready for when the cleaning lady comes when I am gone.......it's funny we always have to clean for the cleaning lady, isn't it :).

A Year in Reflection.......

This is a big one, Friday was my one year anniversary in Denver....I can't believe it. The last month I have been in a state of reflection.....is there more I should have done in a year, did I accomplish enough...should I feel different, etc. I think when I look back on this year, there are many events that have been unplanned, many things I am grateful for and many adventures ahead I am excited for. I wanted to list them out in no particular order.

1) Probably one of the hardest things about moving away is missing people back home and events I would normally be a part of and probably planning. That is hard. I feel like I have this life here I am building and sometimes that has meant it is harder for me to communicate with everyone....maybe I don't feel the pressure as badly to call everyone back right away, afterall I can't see all of you whenever I want, and maybe some of that is good for me. The hour time difference makes a huge difference and sometimes makes it more difficult to communicate. I just never want friends & family to think I care any less and I hope they realize how much I wish I could be present for every moment.

2) Work is what brought me here, or maybe the catalyst I needed to make a much needed change, work has also been unpredictable and at times unstable. Two jobs in one year certainly wasn't in the gameplan...as I am on the heels of my first deal (cross your fingers) I am so grateful for all I have gone through because I learned a ton. It's just caused me to be a bit more unsettled than I would like and not in the place financially I would like to be in BUT I truly think this is the best job I have ever had.....I work for the most incredible people, work with awesome people and believe this opportunity will catapult me into places I have wanted to go for a long time.

3) Awareness: Slowing down....believe it or not I have done this. I care a little bit less about certain things than I used too. I recognize what I am capable of. I recognize what I deserve. I recognize what is important to ME and that sometimes that is the most important thing. Realizing what I need to be happy, when I need to take a break, when I need to turn off from the world. This was not as easy back home but this is something I needed desperately.

4) I am able to face my fears a little better here in CO. I have done so much soul searching over the past 18 months really and I know what I am afraid of and I would like to think I have become a lot better about communicating that......and sometimes facing them....

5) I am incredibly blessed. If you are reading this than I am incredibly blessed to have you in my life. I truly have been amazed at the outpouring I have received from my friends & family. So many have visited, I know some of you wanted to visit earlier in the year and I needed a break, but I don't think I could have made it through this past year without you. I constantly feel love and support from so many regions in the U.S. and I am truly thankful for this. It might be an email, a post on Facebook, a text, a call, or a trip....it all means so much. It is easy to feel isolated and all of these things make me feel your warmth and love so close to me.

6) I have learned a lot about people in the last year. I have friends here of all ages and of all backgrounds and I am thankful for their open arms and acceptance. I am thankful I have reconnected with friends from the past, have connected with friends I knew but was never close too, and for the brand new friendships I have made. It is the first time in my life I have had to try and make friends and really put myself out there. For as long as I can remember I always had a group, whether it was the small & close one from high school and my best friends who are still my best friends today to the amazing girls I met at UCSB to the incredible South Bay crew and everyone in between I met through people and from work, etc. It has been a great learning experience.

7) There is a lot more I want to see and do over the next year. You can bet I will be on the mountains more this year (Yikes!!), work should stabilize and I am going on a tropical vaca! I will be moving in August to a different apartment and I have more visitors lined up for December that I can't wait for. I plan on using my nice camera a lot more starting with a trip to the Butterfly Pavillion this Saturday with a MeetUp Group I joined. I no longer have the excuse of "newness" to this city. I have to get after it!

Weekend

was so much fun with Samantha here! A complete girls weekend and we were able to do so much catching up which was great. We hung with Michelle, ate too much, shopped, saw a movie, walked around, and just showed her Denver. She loved it which always makes me feel good! I can't believe how much time is flying. UNBELIEVABLE. I am going to get back to being on here more.......otherwise I forget to write all my random thoughts.

Thursday I have a 6 am flight to San Fran which I am already dreading but Tiffany's wedding is this weekend and THAT will be a blast. So excited to spend the weekend with Kristina and Kim and catch up with some old friends. Promise to be back soon, OH and if you haven't seen them already, The Social Network and the Life as we Know it.....both SO good!

Pitter, Patter

of rain today and it is cold.....maybe 58....yes it will get much colder than this but it has been so warm here. I am enjoying the transition to fall, in fact I am eager for it. I have so much to look forward to the next couple weeks. It makes me happy. I just found out Friday my sales asst from CB will be in town and I will meet her and her boyfriend for lunch. I haven't seen her since I left. That will be fun. Friday Samantha comes in for the weekend, SO EXCITED! M will stay over Friday night and we will do girls night, Mike will bring the kids over Saturday for breakfast and Saturday during the day will be like old times: nails, shopping, dinner, movies. Very excited. Next week I am in SF Thursday/Friday for work meetings and then staying the weekend for Tiffany's wedding. Really excited to catch up with so many old friends. KO, Kim (Portland), and I are staying together and I am sure will take on the town. I will get to meet Sofia's baby who came early and just enjoy Nor Cal. SO much to look forward too! My parents come beginning of November and then Emma and then Chrissy the first two weekends in December. I am a lucky gal :)!

Match Making

I'm sitting on a plane heading back to Denver after spending the week in Chicago for company meetings and a trade show. What a week. My feet are killing me. Meetings all day and parties all night. Somehow we got on the topic of my dating life and I would say it was the topic of the week. What type of guy I should be dating ( looks like I'm attracted to the wrong "type") and where he should be in birth order. My boss was a psych major and has all these theories. They are quite funny actually. I mean, let's be honest, there are no rules but it's fun to look at people in your life and see if it works. So since I'm the oldest, I should marry someone who is the youngest (opposites attract theory) and not someone in sales but in a completely different career. It's kind of funny to play the match making game according to what they all said. All I know is I can't wait to be home and in my own bed :)

Match Making

I'm sitting on a plane heading back to Denver after spending the week in Chicago for company meetings and a trade show. What a week. My feet are killing me. Meetings all day and parties all night. Somehow we got on the topic of my dating life and I would say it was the topic of the week. What type of guy I should be dating ( looks like I'm attracted to the wrong "type") and where he should be in birth order. My boss was a psych major and has all these theories. They are quite funny actually. I mean, let's be honest, there are no rules but it's fun to look at people in your life and see if it works. So since I'm the oldest, I should marry someone who is the youngest (opposites attract theory) and not someone in sales but in a completely different career. It's kind of funny to play the match making game according to what they all said. All I know is I can't wait to be home and in my own bed :)

Time

just keeps flying by. It really still amazes me somehow. I haven't been on here in a while. Some of that is intentional and some of that not. Work is nuts and travel is crazy. Actually I am writing this from the Portland Airport right now. Chicago all next week. My boss was in Seattle with me this week and we spent a day and a half together on meetings. It was great. I mean he is the best boss I have ever had. We had a pretty intense talk at dinner, he has this weird ability to really be able to read people, some could say it's a gift, but he pegged me. Now I am left with figuring out what to do with our conversation, how to apply it to my life. How to let go, how to be less afraid, how to just get after it and not be afraid to fall along the way.....After all "Chief" as I call him has managed and encountered a ton of salespeople in his time.......if he thinks I can be one of the best ever then I better find a way to prove him right....

Sometimes you just need to try something...

and then you realize you can do it......even though you think there is no way you ever would. M inspired me, I woke up at 4:30 a.m. to take bike class at 5:30 a.m. and was showered and on the computer just a few minutes after 8. I feel great.....well I am sore everywhere, but I feel accomplished.......it's almost a 3 day weekend.....and the plans keep on coming....I am excited.....:)

On the verge...

of something life changing....I can feel it....this job switch may be the best I have ever made.....a lot of hard work to be done.....a lot to balance, a lot being thrown at me.....BUT I think the rewards will be worth it......just need to close some deals....keep chugging along.....it will happen.......

A Rubber Band

If stretched too much one way will break. Being home sometimes feels like being a rubber band, no matter what, you are disappointing everyone by not hanging out enough and it's easy to feel overstretched.....

Perfect Beach Day

LaLa Land...

Jasper and I got to LA Friday night. It was such a crazy work week last week, I honestly wasn't sure I would have everything together to get to the airport Friday.......but I made it......barely!

Saturday was the perfect beach day with friends.....the weather was beautiful and it was great to just breathe in the salty air.....love it. Now the 405, don't love or miss that so it will be interesting running all my sales call this week. I am excited about a break from my routine, seeing family & friends, and taking a break from dating in Denver.....I have had a string of bad luck as they say. Or as JJ said this weekend, I have to crack a lot of eggs to get to the right one....guess I am getting good at the cracking. I think I have come to two pretty good conclusions about warning signs and when these things happen, it is good to run the other way: 1) If I get a FB friend request right away, esp within the first week, prob not a good sign. 2) If the guy is so gaga for me within the first week or so, prob not a good sign. I guess since this is the first time in my life I have really dated, put myself out there, and forced myself to actually date I should enjoy this......as much as the disappointment in people is frustrating, I would rather know sooner rather than later, and it will all be worth it in the end, at least that's what I keep telling myself!

It's all about having a little fun....

and that's all I am concentrating on right now. Date #2 was so great last night. I am not sure about long term potential, I am not worrying about it either. We went to the Botanic Garden, then got ice cream and sat on a bench at Wash Park for a couple hours and just talked....it was awesome. I am intrigued by RB, on the outside he just doesn't seem like the type of guy who would plan a date at the gardens.....actually have I ever met anyone who would do that? Not sure. Again, it is fun, it is new, it is unknown and I am enjoying it.......

This weekend T comes for her second visit and then EW for her first. We are rockin' Mile High Music Festival and I can't wait. What a fun time we will have. I am also planning on both going to bike class with me Sunday am. I am ready for the craziness and all the fun that comes with it :).

Successful Sunday!

I am so relieved their are no words to describe. I had such a successful day! Had a Match date before the birthday party which was actually good, who knows what will happen but my faith is instilled that their are still intriguing men out there. Thank goodness. Birthday party was so fine. I saw him, said hi, and didn't talk to him the rest of the time. I am so emotionally beyond that, I really am and I think I have been for a while now, it feels great to know I didn't even get a stomach ache or a weird feeling.....I feel nothing towards him as it is easy to do when someone is in such a twisted place and so far from the person you knew. He was the catalyst to get me to Denver, to this place, I have changed so much in the past year because of all I went through with him. It just feels so good to know that chapter is so closed, put away on the bookshelf and so part of the past. I feel accomplished, proud, done......and that feels wonderful.

I can't believe

how fast time is going. I have lived in Denver 9 months, where has the time gone? I can't believe I have gone 9 months without having to see that blast from the past. I am actually excited to get it over with tomorrow. I have a blind date before so hopefully I have a glass of wine before as well, hee hee. I am good, it's much easier knowing I am past it and he isn't even in a place where we can have a productive conversation. Talked to M about it last night after we went to bike class. I told her I didn't call him back and she wouldn't have either if she got that vm. She gets it. I feel bad for her that she has to deal with this and always be the glue there.

Next week I actually have a ton of sales calls, both in person and over the phone with some huge targets. I am excited, nervous, anxious......I want to get to the point where I feel like I understand all I am doing and I know that will come in time.

Tonight is girls night with some girls from Intern Inc. Very excited!

Thankful

I am so thankful for my friends. If you are reading this than you are definitely one of them. The giggles we share over the events in my life and the way we can be at so much ease with it all as I am no longer in that bad place. So funny how it can seem like there is no end and then with a lot of work and a lot of help from my friends, you just emerge from it. The future seems possible, exciting, and full of so much promise. I am living my own little adventure, the reason for writing this in the first place. Every little event and moment adds to the journey I am on. I have learned to step back, take it in, breathe in the surprises and just be okay with it. Sure there are moments along the way that cause pain and disappointment, but beyond that I always have so much more to be grateful for than the disappointment could ever bring. I am lucky. I am blessed. I am learning to take in this journey......have fun along the way and appreciate the little things.

New Job

New Excitement
New Challenges
New Goals
New Chaos
New Pressure
New Friends
New Demands
New things to learn
New balancing act
New expectations

most of all....
NEW HAPPINESS

Life

is funny. You are on a path, you think you know what's ahead and life comes in and switches things up. I am okay with this for the most part, I believe there is a reason at the end of all this, a time when it all makes sense, but sometimes I just want to be done. Done with the drama and the people from the past with more issues than I could talk about here, but who will always be in my space. It is annoying. I honestly don't know how I can be still surprised when I hear the recent stories, but I am. It is really time to just be done. I am not sure I am going to put myself in the situation where I have to be in the same room..... The lack of respect and lack of ability to just face the situation is pathetic and the situation you are in now actually makes me laugh. THANK GOD things worked out the way they did, thank God that even though I had to go through so much pain, I am such a stronger person from that experience......so much more aware.......much more in the present, much more accepting of this thing called Life............this funny thing......

And Away We Go

If I get through this airport security line I'll land in SLC for a week of training. Can't wait for this anxiety to settle, for it to be gone. Just need to get through tomorrow I keep telling myself. Just remember to breathe. I'm focusing on being myself and the fun weekend I have ahead. A dear friend from college I haven't seen in 3 years because she lives international is in town visiting her parents. Can't wait for catch up girly time with her fri. Also no attraction to my pen pal. Glad I got that figured out!

Weekend.....

is great so far. Bike class last night in 90 degrees was so intense. I told M, I now knew how she got addicted......there is a serious high when class is over....and it is a great way to meet people. I am enjoying getting to meet new people in the class. Today went on a 3.5 hour hike with Maryann, Steve, and their friend Michelle.....Holy Cow. On the way down I definitely thought my legs would give out on me. I took some pics and I will post if they came out. We were starving when it was over so straight to Mexican food we went, then I mustered the energy to get to the nail salon, and finally home to shower and study. I hurt in a lot of places, but I have bike class tomorrow at 9 a.m. so I have to push through it somehow. Thank goodness for ibuprofen.......I am taking that and trying to drink a ton of water. After class I have a few errands and then M and A are coming over for girls dinner, very fun. I need to get the house together so I can think about packing Sunday night. Why do I have so much anxiety about next week? It is nuts.

Hiking is not only great because of the exercise but also the time your mind has to let go, think, take it in. I sit here pondering.....can guys and girls be friends in the situation I am in here.....I keep meeting guys and either I date them or it gets weird after we hang out for a bit.....I like just having males as friends. I have had a pen pal for 2 weeks now.......a cousin of one of my friend's here I used to work with........I met him quickly.......we have ended up pen pals the last two weeks and we may finally meet up tomorrow for a quick drink...........I hope this can be friends.....at least for a bit.....it is so much better to start that way and see what happens rather than be forced into the dating thing right away. MG and I definitely should have just been friends, we would have been way better that way. A funny thing to ponder really.........

It's Friday

and I can't wait until it is a week from now. I have so much anxiety about training next week. So much I need to learn, memorize, present, it is a tad overwhelming as their is so much pressure. I am studying all weekend.....it is like being in college again which is a little funny to me. I have moved my office chair to the kitchen table and papers are spread all over the place, and that is funny to me too. I am excited for a long hike with Maryann tomorrow, even bought a Camelback.....ME, a Camelback......it is funny to look back at some of the things I own since I moved here....Who am I?

Had blind date last night and ugh.....I hate them and the whole internet dating thing but it is like a necessary evil for me being new....or newer here. I see too many red flags and there was no spark.....granted we had a nice time, hung out for 3 hours......3 hours! I need to get better at this "meeting for a drink thing" that turns into so much of my time, but I think I know part of my problem. I talk to people for a living....literally and therefore can find interesting conversation with almost anyone, unless you are a total dud and maybe this is a problem for me. I don't know, K wants to go out again but he is looking to move fast (which I told him I'm not) and I think also too complimentary for a first meet.....and I think he is looking to fill a void from his recent ex, sad about his empty house, etc.....and I am done being someone who fills a void......and I don't want to move fast.....so I left last night a tad frustrated but I think getting outside this weekend, breathing in some fresh CO air and taking pics with my nice camera may make me feel better......and I have crazy bike class tonight heated to 90 degrees and another one Sunday am not heated so plenty of opportunity to get rid of some of this stress & anxiety I am carrying right now.....at least I am really going to try.......

A Moving Train....

Chugs along, barely time for stops, keeps plugging away.....over the valleys and through the woods, staying on the track.....following course.....no time for diversion....focusing ahead.....seeing new things, learning new things, but no time to really process everything yet the assigned stops along the way are forced.....Must refuel, pick up new passengers, drop some off and then again.....the course for that day......and somehow the days escape.....it is night too quickly.....not enough time....the train wishes there could be a break.....but trains don't break....too many people counting on them and so tomorrow I imagine will look a lot like today except there will be a different path......or maybe it could be a little the same....

There is a difference...

between loving someone and being in love. I realize that I love MG, but wasn't in love with him. If I was I would not be functioning the way I am. Don't get me wrong. I am sad. I miss him. I still feel the disappointment of the end, but I also just feel he wasn't "the one", and that makes me grateful for our split, as weird as that sounds. Still doesn't make me less disappointed that I haven't heard from him, but it is also all worse because I am here and I am not alone, but I sometimes feel that way. Starting over here is harder, but I just focus on the positive and what I can control. I can't lose the hope that there is someone out there for me and when he finds me he will realize that my love and all I give is a gift, and he won't ever want to let that go.....it will be that sacred to him.....and so my search continues.....for that ONE.

Saturdays are a day for...

sleeping in
catching up on phone calls
laundry
errands
nails
gym
thinking
reflecting
breathing
doing

Eclipses

bring in a lot of change and it's funny to look back and see the effects of one, or maybe those things would have happened regardless but either way I am trying to take a step back, take a breath, take in one thing at a time, be more present, notice the little things, and just get through this.......first day of work was good, chaotic, busy, a million things happening at once and I feel excited about that......and that is a good thing. Nighty night.

Getting things done,

at least trying. I can't believe that tomorrow I start a new job and that the commute is from my bedroom to my guest room. Am getting things organized and trying to put all my effort into that. I feel a bit better. I feel like when I really analyze the situation MG was either not truthful with me about his feelings or he still has some growing up to do, and maybe the answer is a combination of both. Knowing this doesn't make the pain any easier, but again, I refuse to be in a comma over this. I feel like he will call and we will talk again, at least I would expect that, and if he doesn't then he clearly isn't the person I thought he was and I am better off knowing this didn't last too long. Got to keep going, pick up the pieces, and concentrate on what I can control. Putting energy into positive things.....New Job!

Coping...

or at least trying too. I feel differently as the hours go in in the day. I find myself analyzing every moment, wondering what was sincere, when this exactly happened and if he really felt the way he said he did.....it is hard, I hate, hate, hate that he met so many of my friends and family, esp my parents. That makes it all worse for me. I don't like to get them involved unless it has hope, unless there is a good chance we will be together for a while, just feeling disappointed. I miss him. Terribly...we spent so much time together and had so much of this city we were going to take by storm. I know I did fine here before him and I will do fine after, but right now I am feeling the raw pain, I am numb, I am just going through the motions and can't help thinking, is something wrong with me? How can someone say such serious things and within 4 weeks just say he doesn't feel them anymore, I mean is that possible. Is he confused, did we just need a break as things had gotten so weird that maybe that is the only way to be normal again. I find myself wondering will he call....when will he call and I resist every urge I have to reach out because given the circumstances, he needs to miss me, feel what life is like here without me in it, see if that makes him feel anything.....I just worry that when he asked if he could call, I didn't answer, I couldn't answer, I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me.....I feel like I have learned enough lessons and I am due for some good, I am due to be loved back the way I love and I really thought he could be that for me....I really did.

Break Up

Wasn't quite expecting that today. Very sad.

It's amazing

the body's reaction when you freak out.......lump in my throat......instant weird feeling in my stomach..........slightly nauseous........dizzy and overwhelmed.........world spinning..........trying to calm down and turn the voices off in my head............god I hope yoga helps...........

Hump Day

Well it is hump day and I am so behind on entries.......had a great week off. Really good 48 hour visit with CB, she had no idea I was coming which was really fun. Great to see her, her mom and her little one who is getting so big. Kids are so funny. Then I got home and KO, MF, and SB came into town and what a whirlwind weekend! We had a blast with so many stories and inside jokes now. I definitely might giggle the next time I order Indian food. So funny. Great pics. Happy memories.

A Week Off...

I am so excited to have 5 days away from the office although a lot of the chaos will follow me on my 5 days off. I am working on handling it......it is already following me this morning, remembering to keep everything in perspective and concentrating on all i have to look forward to this week! One is a surprise so I can't discuss here but I am so excited for my weekend visitors.....KO, MF, and SB! Nothing like having some of my really good friends in town for some fun. This should be a good week....

Unsure

Being unsure is not the best feeling. It seems I can get one right: work or personal life, but not always both. I know sometimes you just have to have a little faith. I also know that after all I have been through, I will be ok no matter what......sometimes the in-between is the hard part. I hope MG and I make it through this rough patch. I hope while he is away and I have some travel myself that I can get recentered, rebalanced, renewed.......I need to feel like ME again and lately I haven't. I have been caught up in this storm which is my life and I've let it get control. Time to breathe. Time to relax. Time to grab the reins.

REFLECTION.....

is healthy, reflection is good, reflection can also be so crazy. There is so much happening I can't yet put in this place so for now let's talk about the past....it has been a year since my world came crashing down, a year from the time that reality as I knew it and felt it was swept away and the weirdest thing............I can't really say I 100% remember it......I know it was the worst thing and I know I have fear from that experience I carry with me but I have truly MOVED ON.....so weird how that just happens and you aren't even quite sure how or when.......it amazes me to be honest.....I also just found out that person is moving away, no more worries of unplanned meetings or parties I have to avoid, no more drama..........everything about here and the place I am in now is more just for me and about me.........and I like that......I feel a bit more open.........more space........everything about where I am now I love........I never imagined I could be in this place and while it is different than the last place and the places before that, it is still special and comfortable and full of love and I need all of that..........more adventures and "newness" to come......more firsts......more deep breaths...........more happiness... :)

Been so long...

that I am not sure where to start or how to catch up so I will try and have random things on here as I can.....so busy lately, juggling many balls in the air at one time, feeling easily overwhelmed and just wanting an escape from it all.......Hawaii sure sounds nice right about now :)

Major events that have happened that I can immediately think of is Memorial Day Weekend which was fab....my brother and his gf came.....we had such a great time. Hung with work friends, good friends, they met MG, etc.....really fun all and all.

This past weekend my parents were here Wednesday-Sunday and we had my cousin's graduation party and lots of family time. They met MG too which went really well. All in all really happy.

I am happy about upcoming trips, upcoming changes, upcoming challenges, and upcoming R&R, it is just getting there sometimes that is half the battle if that makes sense......well a lot doesn't make sense right now.....but it will.....in due time......

Just a Sunday....

This weekend felt good.....yoga.....hair appt....rented movies....TIVO.....phone calls......cooking.....laundry.....resting.....peace....

It was 88 sunny and breezy here yesterday, absolutely beautiful. Lots of time to think, breathe it in, relax.....Changes are in the air....being put in place.....I am thinking July....we shall see....

MG was out of town this weekend, he gets in at 10:30, can't wait to see him. I have surprised him by making a casserole for dinner, brownies, snacks, etc.....didn't want him to have to worry about it after his crazy weekend....

This week at work will be nuts....have to prepare for the conference in Orlando the week after....I am not really looking forward to that......for many reasons.....do you wish to go to Orlando in June? Didn't think so....

Lots of events this week which take me back to thinking of those adventure books....which ending will I choose, well not really which ending, but what will the next chapter look like....

My brother and D come Thursday-Monday, SUPER excited for that. Their first time in CO, I have fun events planned, the weather should be great, and they will be the first in the family to meet MG, FUN :)....

Hoping all of you have had a restful weekend too....

Oh to be a kitty...

Sherbert or Sherbet....

Love having debates over ice cream. Never knew it was spelled Sherbet...so funny. We had this whole debate at work yesterday and I put it as my FB status.....love getting a lot of comments on that....

SO my world has changed because Yogurtland is coming to Denver. I called corporate HQ while at work the other day to find out the exact dates the two stores are coming here. I had the receptionist in stitches telling her that I work with CA peeps and we miss Yogurtland in CO and that our lives were going to change with it coming here. I also told her someone stole my million dollar idea because I wanted to bring Yogurtland here! Too funny.........

ME Weekend....

is it bad I am already counting down to the weekend and it's Tuesday? I am working from home Friday and plan to yoga Friday and Saturday and maybe Sunday before I pick up MG at the airport from NY around 11. I plan to stay in......which I can't wait for and just catch up on things. A weekend with no visitors, no obligations, and a little ME time, a date with myself.......3 more days to go.....

What a weekend....

has such a blast with Kel here, oh my goodness, we took the town by storm! I was happy to show off my new city and I think she really liked it! Fri we did HH and MG met us, Sat we got nails done, had a great lunch, did some shopping and then dinner & drinks with MG......Sunday breakfast, walk around Wash Park and then Lola for Sunday afternoon HH before departing for the airport. So great to see her and she and MG got along great which is awesome.....I mean he is super easy, I never worry but still makes me happy when I get the seal of approval, esp. from my oldest friends.

It is beautiful today, a sunny 73......M,M, A, and C are coming over tonight for panini's and Lakers.......I know some of my friends are Suns fans. I am looking forward to a little friendly banter because I am so excited for the Lakers. I am also excited for this week/weekend......some down time finally and some more clarity on some pretty important decisions.......hope everyone out there is having a good Monday.....

Remember those books...

you would read as kids and when you got to a point in the story you could choose to either pick this occurrence or that occurrence and then the story has a completely different turn and a completely different ending......I sometimes think of my life like that.......how certain events can take you on a completely different path.....open another door.....how do you know which one to choose and which way to go.....and maybe a tiny part of me wishes I could step outside of it......read ahead and see the choices and how they end up........before deciding which path to choose....funny to think about life that way..............isn't it?

If you are having a bad day....

and you go to the gym to "work it out" and "Don't Stop Believin" comes on your IPod, play it 4 times in a row, it helps......:)

Mom, Dad, and Jasper

I met the Parents...

I was nervous as you know I always get for these things but I just tried to be myself. I am still fighting this cold but going to yoga today really helped. I had a really nice time. It was fun to see where he comes from and just get a sense of them. He says they really liked me, we'll see! I find myself thinking during the dinner "what do they think of me", "do they like me", and all these silly things......it is hard meeting the rents for the first time but it also feels like a relationship milestone and one I am ready for with MG. I miss him.

I'm actually glad we didn't get together with both set of parents this weekend. I am more protective of my parents after the last incident. I would rather have that come a bit later.....as bad as that is.....just being protective.......

This week MG and I are both here, AMAZING! and this weekend KG is coming to see me! How fun will it be to have one of my besties here, her sister KG can't come because of the baby, but they are my oldest friends and it will be wonderful to have her meet MG and see my new surroundings. Lots to look forward too.......Good night.....

Mom and Dad were in town..

and it was so great to have them here. I was sad to see them go. I got to show them a bit of Denver and we ran some spontaneous errands. Dad covered my deck fence with chicken wire so now I can have the door open and not worry about Jasper falling below! Mom helped me pick out flower pots for an over the deck flower pot holder.....so cheery now, I love it. The Lakers won and I was able to take care of my parents a bit which was nice for a change. Funny things happened like when I was cooking dinner I set off the fire alarm in the entire building and then this morning we woke up to that too.....that WAS NOT my fault, but man, what a wake up call on Mother's Day. I miss my parents, I am glad I get to see them again on Father's Day....

Tipping Point

It seems we have hit a fork in the road here at work......we will either really make it or we won't....it's a lot of pressure......most pressure I have felt in a long time. In some ways I feel like a storm is brewing and in others I somehow have the ability to remain somewhat calm through it all. It is weird.....I just feel too strongly about what we have done and what we can do to believe this can't make it.....I just might lose my partner and that would be really sad.....have to keep pressing......have to keep believing.....have to stay positive......have to keep selling.......

Falling...................falling................

Fallen............:)

Sunday

A day for errands
A day for getting ready for the week

Tipping Point at work this week.... A lot will be discovered and somehow I know that whatever happens I will be ok. I can't even talk about it because so many lives involved but just focusing on the positive and what I can control.

Great night last night for M's bday. Waiting for my grilled cheese and soup if that gives you any indication.

Running errands and getting ready for my parents to get here Thursday.

Go Lakers.

Can't wait to spend afternoon/evening with MG. He is slow cooking pork right now. YUM

Happy Sunday...

Shuffleboard et al

Well I lost at Shuffleboard tonight, we only played one game, tied at WII bowling. I need to win! I could not stay over because of Jasper and my 8:30 flight to NY. Big bummer, but if I can catch my earlier flight home Friday then we will have full on date night, either way we are hanging out and nothing makes me happier than falling asleep and waking up next to that snuggle. Tonight was hard, I almost cried when I had to say good bye. Silly.....I know.....it's just that we hadn't seen each other since Vail.....and travel is hard now on both sides and Jasper makes it hard sometimes too, BUT we will make it through. I can't believe everyone he will meet in May.....it is sure to be a big month. I am excited to go to Hotel C tomorrow and see the gang and I have quite a line up of meetings in NYC and I know when I come home that I return to his arms and so far I find them to be safe and trusting arms so I can't wait for that......we all need that I think..........

On a side note, Jasper keeps destroying toilet paper rolls and it is driving me bonkers. Time to finish packing and have some sleepytime tea. Nighty night....

T and I in AZ

back from AZ...

It is Sunday night and I am back from AZ visiting S, N, and T. What a great weekend. I love spending time with "easy" friends, the kind of friends where you can 100% yourself, not worry about plans, be at ease and just BE. Does that make sense? It is really quite amazing how people can come into your life in such an unpredictable way.....and these friends are the perfect example of this, they are a gift and I am blessed to have them. Really was such a great visit.

Working from home tomorrow to spend time with Jasper as he is under the weather, I get to see MG tomorrow night which I am so excited about and then I am off to NY Tuesday for work until Friday and to see more dear friends. Finishing Brothers & Sisters before bed, good night.

P.S., S gave my blog a major facelift. How much do you love it?!?!? Thanks again S!

Vail...

was amazing, beautiful, stunning. I can't believe I live just 2 hours from this fantasy land. We had such a great weekend. Spent the whole time with MB and SB, what wonderful friends they are. After 7 years together they are still so much and love and you would think they had only been together a few months, they are still so full of love and so cute. I want to be just like that. The weekend was full of going out, walking around town, naps, concerts and taking in the beauty. Today MG and I got back in time for the Laker playoff game. Fun to watch that while hanging on my couch. MG is so great, I have shared with him some of my fears, I maybe shouldn't have but I feel like I need to be honest. How can I not be scared after all I have been through....I feel like it is natural but I also know it isn't fair to MG to take out on him what others have done for me. It is hard and it is a struggle, but I know I will get through it......I always do.....on to Sunday eve and all the chores that come with it!

more random thoughts

I just had a conversation with my gf M, she said such sweet things to me, that she has never seen me more confident and happy and that she thinks this move was really great for me. That means a ton, especially from her. I am so lucky to have her here.

I really like M, I am going to call him MG because I have too many girlfriends with the letter M. He is traveling until tomorrow night but can't wait to see him. I love that feeling.

I feel happy and that feels good......it feels great.

Lots of exciting things coming up soon. In the next couple weeks I have Vail with MG, work trip to NY when I get to see my friends in NJ and a weekend trip to AZ to see S and T and N. So very excited for that, that is a fun getaway for me..

Work continues to be nuts but we are making a lot of headway, that feels great. Got some good news today about a deal I am 95% sure will come in, one of my favorite places to shop, that is fun....

I am hoping to take my 2 hour photo class soon...

I miss my girlfriends terribly, that is absolutely the hardest thing about this move...I miss my family too, but easier for me to stay caught up with them

I need to be better about writing and I need to figure out why I can't upload pics on here

I hope you have a good night! :)

The chaos which is my life....

wake up, make dials, help inside reps with appts, help outside reps with appts, train, conference calls, dial, e-mails, my appts, meetings, meetings, meetings........breathe, remember to breathe.....Vail in 3 days, can't wait!

Smiling.....

I haven't been on here in forever.....it is awful because there is so much to say. I am blaming it on M......I met him through a friend.....he just moved here a month ago from Boston, originally from Michigan.........and he makes me smile. He is funny, smart, sarcastic, caring and honest. We talk about everything......and when I am not with him he is all I can think about.....and he feels the same.....and my heart is smiling.........

Weekend...

awesome weekend with my sister and brother-in-law here. Had such an amazing time. So great having family here.

StoryPeople

"Deciding everything is falling into place perfectly as long as you don't get too picky about what you mean by place.....or perfectly"

"What are the rules? I said & she said. Do exactly what I want, make no demands of me whatsoever & love me forever, no questions asked, & I said, how do you win? & she said, you don't understand. I'm the only one who wins. & then she laughed & clapped her hands. Isn't it a great game? she said."

ME weekend

I am so excited to have a ME weekend. Traveling every week has been nuts. My workout routine and eating regime has gone out the window and I am pretty sure I have 5 extra lbs I am carrying around with me. I am not going to check, I am just going to really focus on being better. SO happy I can go to yoga both Saturday and Sunday. Monday-Wednesday I travel again, this time to San Diego.....a conference....that is the 3rd week in a row. Then my sister and brother-in-law get here next Thursday night. SO excited!!

I have dinners out and movie/dinner Sunday with a friend I haven't caught up with in a while. I am hoping for good movies on my on demand tonight. Just chillin with Jasper after I go to the gym. It is 61 degrees here today and sunny and I can't believe I am inside.....it feels like 70 degrees....so awesome.

This weekend is about catching up. Starting next weekend I have visitors almost every other weekend for a while and I AM EXCITED!

It's all about laughing

Today I went to UPS at lunch to mail a couple things. I couldn't believe how rude some people were to the poor UPS people. I was feeling a tad impatient because a couple ladies skipped ahead of me but I decided to let it slide. When all the rude people left I said to the girls, man those people were brutal, I will be easy and then I made fun of a couple of the people that were rude to them. I had them both laughing in stitches. I told them it was just Monday and there was too much of the week ahead of us to let that get them down. It somehow made me feel better to help them out. It's amazing what a little giggling can do for you!

A little home this weekend...

What a week it was last week. On Wednesday I flew to Seattle to run meetings Thursday and then drive to Portland before flying home Friday. Meetings in Seattle were good but I was so tired. S met me there as this was her first week working with us. So awesome to have a good friend as part of the team now. I almost had a breakdown the morning before going to the airport. I almost fell apart. Dealing with my boss being gone, having to take care of the 2 we have on inside sales, onboard S, schedule interviews for more inside sales folks and run and schedule my own meetings with a lot. I almost cracked, ALMOST, but then took a deep breath and remembered that I couldn't crack......no time for that, no time for breaking down......reminded myself I can do this, just one step at a time.

When I landed back at DIA, T got here the same time. SO great to spend the weekend with such a good friend from home......always good to have a little bit of home with me here. Fri night we went to dinner with M which was so fun and then Sat headed to Breckenridge. After a freak out as I was about to get on the intermediate lift with her, I put myself in classes and did pretty good! While I am slow and conservative, I learned how to turn and my teacher said I was the best. My teacher after 5minutes in class says, "you are a perfectionist aren't you". I had to laugh out loud at that. After some time on the mtn, T and I met for apres ski which was so fun. We had some beers and listened to great music. We went to dinner and while waiting for our table, grabbed a glass of wine at the bar and guess who was there.....K!!! I couldn't believe it. How small is Breckenridge? I felt so bad cause I never caled him back and he called so many times.....all night T and I had to hide from him, or really I did as she gave me he play by play as he seemed to be a local and was going to be there all night. It rally was quite hilarious. I hid behind my hair and we completed the mission without a sighting!

Today we drove back early, had an amazing brunch at Colt & Gray across the street, did a little shopping and I dropped her off. I then got a mani/pedi and headed to the grocery store and have been home taking care of stuff around the house since. A gf from CB was supposed to stay with me tonight but her flight got canceled so I was able to catch up on TIVO, make dinner, and do laundry......I am preparing for the week.

Had a great text exchange with my dear friend H today.....she has found love and is close to being engaged....couldn't be happier. She has been through a lot and truly deserves the best. I can't believe the relationship really blossomed while I have been here so I haven' even met him yet. SO sad and weird for me. I guess this is what I will be facing since I moved away. Weird.....really weird for me.

I am trying to go into this work week positively. Just have an overnight in SF with S so travel isn't bad. Lots to do.....always but focusing on what is positive and what makes me happy. Have eaten terrible since Wednesday ad haven't worked out so my goal is to get back on track. I need to change the sugar cravings. Did I mention my calves are absolutely killing me from skiing? It hurts to walk....oh my!

Good night friends.

So ready for weekend fun..

Sitting at Portland airport, plane leaves in 45 minutes back to D town. SO ready. Tania and I pretty much land at the same time so that is awesome. I am excited for our weekend fun. Tonight dinner with M. Tomorrow we get up at the crack of dawn....road trip it to Breckenridge where we stop and get 30 minute massages, then brunch/lunch and hit the mountain for a half day. We are staying over and then heading back Sunday am and I hope AT can meet us for nails/lunch. Then Sunday eve T leaves and my friend Julie from CB comes in, we have late dinner, she stays with me cause she has meetings in CO Monday. Lots of fun. I am excited to see Jasper too. Miss that little guy. I need this weekend to escape, not think about work and just enjoy my friends! Meetings in Seattle went well. I am hoping to hear about them in the next couple weeks. It really makes a difference having a gf now working with us. So awesome. Well boarding soon......hoping the rest of you have a great weekend too!

Losing my mind....just a little

I can't believe it is Sunday already, where did the weekend go. Was at work till 8 Friday which made getting to drinks before my 8:30 dinner reservation a challenge. Good thing I was going out with a friend from work so we were in the same boat. Work is nuts, I signed up for this, I thrive in it in some respect, and it scares the crap out of me all at the same time. We will make it though, we have too. Saturday made myself go to yoga sculpt, hair appt (turned out fine but so not Sascha) and then some shopping before heading to AT's house for dinner with her and her hubbie. Had such a nice evening, so glad AT lives here. She thinks T is blowing me off and I guess only time will tell. Today her and I are going to yoga together and then blind date with E later. I hate blind dates, esp when you haven't even spoken on the phone but I have to do it. I think yoga will make me feel better. M called me this morning and we were laughing at how incompetent I was at having a phone conversation....just so tired. Really looking forward to next week. S starts with us Monday and Weds we meet in Seattle. Thursday meetings at Starbuck's, Amazon.com and Real Networks.....then we drive to Portland and still working on those meetings for Friday and when I land back in Portland Friday my friend T is here for the weekend. How I love T, she is that friend in my life who always makes me feel good, I can always be myself, and she is so much fun. We haven't had any E&T time in forever so Fri night we land around the same time, M joins us for dinner and then the two of us drive to Breckenridge for a day on the mts, dinner there and then we will drive back Sunday, prob see M&M again and just hang before she leaves. I have another friend coming to Denver Sunday night so we are going to dinner then and I think she is staying with me so that is fun too. I have a couple weeks of semi-calm and then a couple weeks of craziness. Third weekend in March my sis and her husband are coming and I am taking that Friday off to spend time with them and we are going to Breck for a day then too. Super excited about that! March is going to go in a breeze.......trying to make sure I take time to breathe, enjoy small moments and not lose my mind!

Random Thoughts......

I haven't made time for this lately, therefore I am just going to throw some random thoughts down.

1) I love visitors and am so excited for everyone coming March-May. I feel blessed. I am also excited I get to do some visiting during this time. SO excited for AZ- S!

2) I love/hate Girl Scout Cookies, Thank God they are just here once a year.

3) My good friend S is joining our team on Monday and we travel together next week. This will change my life in the best way but also scares me because she is taking a big risk in this move and I carry that responsibility.

4) I bought mini disco balls for the new sales office we have here. We are launching the inside sales team here, takes me back to LA Times days because I am trying to make it FUN!

5) Boys are lame....why are they so lame. My friend K in NJ said it best to me. She said E you will find one that is a tad less stupid than the others but they are all stupid. Loved that advice :).

6) Girls night out Friday, excited to meet some new friends.

7) Last night was spinning, LOVE spinning, had a great time at dinner with the girls after.

8) Am really liking CO.

9) Have had a couple inquiries for other jobs lately, makes me question sticking it out here in this risky environment, but I am committed......have to push through.

10)How great are the Olympics?

11) So happy my friend A lives here, she is a gem to me.

12) Really want to take up my photography again, looking for classes.

13) I think that is all I have been feeling since my last post. Dinner with M tonight, very excited. OH and hair appt Saturday....yikes!

Time...

Time is a crazy thing, it is going by way too fast. I have almost lived here 4 months already, how has this happened? I am realizing one thing that is very different for me here than when I was in LA is I somehow have less time or maybe I have more time, but use it differently. I clearly have less obligations, less birthday parties, events, etc but this job takes a lot of me everyday. It takes more of me than anything I have ever done and the experience is incredible, but sometimes after work, I go to the gym or a class and I just want to chill for the last couple hours I have before bedtime. The down side to this is I am not having regular conversations with friends like I used too. That part really sucks and I haven't figured out how to balance it yet and I feel awful. I want to be present and available for a phone call and I want to know what is going on back at home and with everyone, I should need to be available to hear it. I need to figure this out and it is definitely something I will be working on here. I was IM'ing with one of my good friend's husbands today and he said do me a favor and give (his wife) a call, she is sad you will lose touch now that you live in a different state. Of course, my response is, are you crazy? That would never happen. It's not like she has called and I haven't called back, in fact I made the last call, on her birthday a week or so ago, but that made me sad. Friendships are invaluable to me and I feel like the ones I have, that I really care about will last a lifetime.....that it should be okay, allowed, and acceptable to go a bit without contact and in your heart you should know the friend is always there. I would hope people feel the same about me. Sigh......have to figure out how to manage this!

R&R Weekend

Had such a nice weekend and FINALLY got caught up. I had the most amazing facial yesterday, honestly the best one I have ever had. Really enjoyed my gal, D, she moved here 5 years ago from FL for her bf, he lost his job a bit after she was here and his laziness drove them apart. She loves Denver though and has been here for 5 years. For the last ear she has been in a relationship with someone knew and seems really happy. Funny looking back. She also convinced me I had to try her hair gal, and you all know what a big deal this will be for me. 9 years with Sascha and in 2 weeks I am trying someone new....should be fun, we shall see. I really liked this place, hair studio upstairs and facial room downstairs....exposed brick wall, really decorated fun. Just loved it. On Saturday I did my yoga sculpt class which is heated to 95 degrees and then had lunch with my friend M, her kids and her mom who happened to be in town. Had not seen her mom since Sept and that was really nice......I thought it might be weird, but it never is. I knew them all before...
Today my girlfriend A and I went to hot yoga and lunch and it was great catching up with her. We used to work together in different offices, so happy we live in the same place now. Besides that there has been a lot of movie watching, Olympics watching and shopping online :). I finally feel rested and caught up for the week ahead. I am thinking I need to plan a week in LA this summer. I am already thinking of bocce ball with the gang. Wishing all a great night.

does this really happen?!?

"E, It's K calling, it's the third time I am calling you and you haven't called back.....I am going to stop calling." Geese, that takes "he's just not that into you" on a whole new level....K, you are 38, a snowmobile guide by winter and a kayak guide by summer....you are hot....but our lifestyles are too different, I mean, can't you see that. I was hoping you got the point when I didn't return the first text/call. How unattractive everything becomes as you keep calling. Oh well, I can chalk K up to the only "mountain man" experience I will have here......and just one part of a crazy, fun weekend I had when J visited from back home. (Come back J!!) It's funny how many warnings I have received about those guys when people find out I am new here.

Today

Today I received a care package in the mail from a sweet friend, what a nice surprise. She is a friend I met through someone no longer in my life so I feel so blessed to still have that friendship. It's funny I received her package today because just today I was thinking that I prefer to look forward and not to look backward. Looking backward is too painful, looking forward can make me uneasy, but only because I do not know what lies ahead.....BUT I am trying to become more comfortable in that space, a space where I just trust that good things lie ahead because I deserve them.....

The quote on my card which I love:

"At the center of your being you have the answer; you know you are and you know what you want" Buddha

Thank you sweet friend. xo