And Away We Go

If I get through this airport security line I'll land in SLC for a week of training. Can't wait for this anxiety to settle, for it to be gone. Just need to get through tomorrow I keep telling myself. Just remember to breathe. I'm focusing on being myself and the fun weekend I have ahead. A dear friend from college I haven't seen in 3 years because she lives international is in town visiting her parents. Can't wait for catch up girly time with her fri. Also no attraction to my pen pal. Glad I got that figured out!

Weekend.....

is great so far. Bike class last night in 90 degrees was so intense. I told M, I now knew how she got addicted......there is a serious high when class is over....and it is a great way to meet people. I am enjoying getting to meet new people in the class. Today went on a 3.5 hour hike with Maryann, Steve, and their friend Michelle.....Holy Cow. On the way down I definitely thought my legs would give out on me. I took some pics and I will post if they came out. We were starving when it was over so straight to Mexican food we went, then I mustered the energy to get to the nail salon, and finally home to shower and study. I hurt in a lot of places, but I have bike class tomorrow at 9 a.m. so I have to push through it somehow. Thank goodness for ibuprofen.......I am taking that and trying to drink a ton of water. After class I have a few errands and then M and A are coming over for girls dinner, very fun. I need to get the house together so I can think about packing Sunday night. Why do I have so much anxiety about next week? It is nuts.

Hiking is not only great because of the exercise but also the time your mind has to let go, think, take it in. I sit here pondering.....can guys and girls be friends in the situation I am in here.....I keep meeting guys and either I date them or it gets weird after we hang out for a bit.....I like just having males as friends. I have had a pen pal for 2 weeks now.......a cousin of one of my friend's here I used to work with........I met him quickly.......we have ended up pen pals the last two weeks and we may finally meet up tomorrow for a quick drink...........I hope this can be friends.....at least for a bit.....it is so much better to start that way and see what happens rather than be forced into the dating thing right away. MG and I definitely should have just been friends, we would have been way better that way. A funny thing to ponder really.........

It's Friday

and I can't wait until it is a week from now. I have so much anxiety about training next week. So much I need to learn, memorize, present, it is a tad overwhelming as their is so much pressure. I am studying all weekend.....it is like being in college again which is a little funny to me. I have moved my office chair to the kitchen table and papers are spread all over the place, and that is funny to me too. I am excited for a long hike with Maryann tomorrow, even bought a Camelback.....ME, a Camelback......it is funny to look back at some of the things I own since I moved here....Who am I?

Had blind date last night and ugh.....I hate them and the whole internet dating thing but it is like a necessary evil for me being new....or newer here. I see too many red flags and there was no spark.....granted we had a nice time, hung out for 3 hours......3 hours! I need to get better at this "meeting for a drink thing" that turns into so much of my time, but I think I know part of my problem. I talk to people for a living....literally and therefore can find interesting conversation with almost anyone, unless you are a total dud and maybe this is a problem for me. I don't know, K wants to go out again but he is looking to move fast (which I told him I'm not) and I think also too complimentary for a first meet.....and I think he is looking to fill a void from his recent ex, sad about his empty house, etc.....and I am done being someone who fills a void......and I don't want to move fast.....so I left last night a tad frustrated but I think getting outside this weekend, breathing in some fresh CO air and taking pics with my nice camera may make me feel better......and I have crazy bike class tonight heated to 90 degrees and another one Sunday am not heated so plenty of opportunity to get rid of some of this stress & anxiety I am carrying right now.....at least I am really going to try.......

A Moving Train....

Chugs along, barely time for stops, keeps plugging away.....over the valleys and through the woods, staying on the track.....following course.....no time for diversion....focusing ahead.....seeing new things, learning new things, but no time to really process everything yet the assigned stops along the way are forced.....Must refuel, pick up new passengers, drop some off and then again.....the course for that day......and somehow the days escape.....it is night too quickly.....not enough time....the train wishes there could be a break.....but trains don't break....too many people counting on them and so tomorrow I imagine will look a lot like today except there will be a different path......or maybe it could be a little the same....

There is a difference...

between loving someone and being in love. I realize that I love MG, but wasn't in love with him. If I was I would not be functioning the way I am. Don't get me wrong. I am sad. I miss him. I still feel the disappointment of the end, but I also just feel he wasn't "the one", and that makes me grateful for our split, as weird as that sounds. Still doesn't make me less disappointed that I haven't heard from him, but it is also all worse because I am here and I am not alone, but I sometimes feel that way. Starting over here is harder, but I just focus on the positive and what I can control. I can't lose the hope that there is someone out there for me and when he finds me he will realize that my love and all I give is a gift, and he won't ever want to let that go.....it will be that sacred to him.....and so my search continues.....for that ONE.

Saturdays are a day for...

sleeping in
catching up on phone calls
laundry
errands
nails
gym
thinking
reflecting
breathing
doing

Eclipses

bring in a lot of change and it's funny to look back and see the effects of one, or maybe those things would have happened regardless but either way I am trying to take a step back, take a breath, take in one thing at a time, be more present, notice the little things, and just get through this.......first day of work was good, chaotic, busy, a million things happening at once and I feel excited about that......and that is a good thing. Nighty night.

Getting things done,

at least trying. I can't believe that tomorrow I start a new job and that the commute is from my bedroom to my guest room. Am getting things organized and trying to put all my effort into that. I feel a bit better. I feel like when I really analyze the situation MG was either not truthful with me about his feelings or he still has some growing up to do, and maybe the answer is a combination of both. Knowing this doesn't make the pain any easier, but again, I refuse to be in a comma over this. I feel like he will call and we will talk again, at least I would expect that, and if he doesn't then he clearly isn't the person I thought he was and I am better off knowing this didn't last too long. Got to keep going, pick up the pieces, and concentrate on what I can control. Putting energy into positive things.....New Job!

Coping...

or at least trying too. I feel differently as the hours go in in the day. I find myself analyzing every moment, wondering what was sincere, when this exactly happened and if he really felt the way he said he did.....it is hard, I hate, hate, hate that he met so many of my friends and family, esp my parents. That makes it all worse for me. I don't like to get them involved unless it has hope, unless there is a good chance we will be together for a while, just feeling disappointed. I miss him. Terribly...we spent so much time together and had so much of this city we were going to take by storm. I know I did fine here before him and I will do fine after, but right now I am feeling the raw pain, I am numb, I am just going through the motions and can't help thinking, is something wrong with me? How can someone say such serious things and within 4 weeks just say he doesn't feel them anymore, I mean is that possible. Is he confused, did we just need a break as things had gotten so weird that maybe that is the only way to be normal again. I find myself wondering will he call....when will he call and I resist every urge I have to reach out because given the circumstances, he needs to miss me, feel what life is like here without me in it, see if that makes him feel anything.....I just worry that when he asked if he could call, I didn't answer, I couldn't answer, I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me.....I feel like I have learned enough lessons and I am due for some good, I am due to be loved back the way I love and I really thought he could be that for me....I really did.